Still Suffering

  I'm still having a painful experience dealing with the separation from my girlfriend.  we have been apart for over two years now, and it still hurts so much.  I am trying to be a better person, and not repeat the mistakes I have in the past.  It will take a while to rebuild trust with her, but it will be worth the effort, I have never loved anyone the way I love her.  I see her a few times a week depending on the week, mainly if I have bus fare which depends on if I spend the money on something else, which is irresponsible and I always regret it.

  I do get to spend time with my daughter when I go there so I have that to look forward to.  She makes me so happy I love spending time with my daughter and I like spending it with her mother too.

  I want to go out and do things with Katherine, she doesn't want to date me, and that's ok I don't like it, but if we got out to do activities together like go to the art museum or find something else to do that's not a date, it's just something to do, if there is no kissing going on then it's not a date.  So it would be great to spend some time with her maybe once a week and grandpa can watch Emma, then Katherine and I can talk and have fun and not feel guilty that  Emma isn't getting all our attention when we talk, but someone told us or Katherine that the kid can't be the center of attention all the time and they need to know that.

  I'm trying to be optimistic that maybe in a few years Katherine will take me back or at least consider it.  I am going to promise her that I will not bring back the bad behaviors that made her dump me in the first place, she will need to see a real change in me, and I think In have changed for the better, but I am always going to do my best to better myself, not just for her but mainly for me and she gets the benefits, when people change they have to do it for themselves first, I want to have self-respect and I don't think I had much self-respect when I did the things I did.  I regret not helping her enough, but one of the things I regret most is neglecting her, I was out with friends or going to groups when I could have been spending time with Katherine and I would have been a lot happier.  I could have still seen friends once a week, but I should have spent most of my time with Katherine.  I love her so much and I suffer everyday that I'm not with her it hurts so much.